Volunteer barbers head north to help the polar bear

U.S. Geological Survey findings: two-thirds of polar bears face a risk of extinction by 2050

Reporter Reginald Cubbington, with his diary, heads north with Barbers for Bears, a non-profit organization that's trying to help the polar bear population by shaving the bears, lowering their body temperature in the process.

January 2nd, 1:50 pm:

All is peaceful here, hardly a bear in site. Attempts to capture a bear for shaving have not been successful so far.

January 4th, 4:30pm:

We've come across one very healthy bear, helped by the fact he has eaten two of our barbers. One did manage to shave a strip of his back hair before his batteries died in the cold Artic temperature.

January 5th, 8:00am:

I'm leaving, going home; the same bear appears to have developed a preference for barbers, having returned and eaten 2 more. He does however, have a rather crude Fu Manchu; that brave barber shaved his face down to the last bite...

Hillary's Waffles

2 cups sifted flour
2 tsp. Baking powder
1/2 tsp. Baking soda
3 large eggs, separated
1/2 cup melted butter
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1 cup (4 oz.) shredded sharp cheese
(But not necessarily in this order; the order totally depends on what the people want)

Preheat the waffle iron. Sift the dry ingredients into a mixing bowl. In another bowl, combine the egg yolks, melted and cooled butter, milk and cheese. Add flour and blend until free of lumps. In a separate bowl beat the egg whites until stiff. Fold into the batter until barely blended. Spoon the batter into an electric waffle iron and bake.

This is technically an endangered recipe, since I never make it the same way each time; my positions change quite often on the amount and quality of the ingredients, as well as the cooking times and techniques. Be very careful you don't burn yourself making these; without my Universal Health Care plan telling you exactly which doctor you need to go see and on what day I would be very worried that you would make an uninformed decision and go to your own family doctor by mistake.

I still remember the first time I was eating these; I was berating our kitchen staff for making these with too little cheese when Bill came in and told me he had misplaced his cigar...

Michelle Pfeiffer's Piping Plover Puffs

2 sheets puff pastry (thawed for about 20 minutes)
8 small boneless skinless Piping Plover breasts, uncooked
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons oil
seasoning salt (can use white salt)
pepper
1 large onion, finely chopped
1 tablespoon fresh minced garlic (optional)
1/2 lb fresh button truffles, sliced
2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh parsley
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened (you may reduce the amount if desired)
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 egg, slightly beaten

Season the Piping Plover breast with seasoning salt and pepper on all sides.
Heat butter and oil in a skillet.
Brown the breasts on all sides until almost completely cooked through; transfer to a plate.
To the same skillet add in onions, garlic and sliced truffles; sauté until the truffles lose their moisture and the onions are tender.
Stir in parsley.
On a floured surface, roll out each puff pastry sheet to a 14-inch square.
Cut into four even 7-inch squares (you should have 8 squares total).
Place each breast over each puff pastry square.
Set oven to 375 degrees.
In a small bowl combine the softened cream cheese with mustard, then spread over EACH breast.
Then top with about 2-3 tablespoons truffle/onion mixture.
Brush the edges of each pastry square with water.
Wrap pastry around the Piping Plover breast, pressing edges to seal tightly.
Place seam-side down on greased baking sheets.
Brush the tops with egg wash.
Bake for about 20 minutes, or until puffed and golden brown.
Serve with truffle sauce over the Wellington or on the side of the plate.

I think this dish is purrrrrrrfect when served with Extremely Liberal amount of white wine.

Michael's Arabian Oryx French-style Roast

1 Arabian Oryx (preferrably a young male)
15 garlic cloves, sliced
A large pinch of rosemary
A large pinch of sage
A large pinch of thyme
3 1/2 tbsp cayenne
5 tbsp oil
8 cups Chicken Stock
5 Bottles of Pinot Noir
10 tomatoes, skinned, seeded and chopped
5 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
5 oz tomato paste

Pat the meat dry on paper towels, tenderize (I beat it) and cut tiny slits in the surface of the meat. Push the garlic into the cuts and rub the meat with the herbs and cayenne. Roast in a preheated oven at 425°F for 15 minutes, then reduce the temperature to 350°F and roast for a further 30 minutes. Bring the stock and Jesus Juice - I mean wine - to a boil and pour it over the meat, then continue roasting for a further 30 minutes, basting frequently.

When the meat is cooked to your liking, transfer it to a warm serving plate and keep warm. Add the tomatoes, Worcestershire sauce, tomato puree and mint to the liquid in the tin (pan), bring to the boil and simmer, stirring well, until the liquid has reduced by a third. Strain the sauce, then return it to the pan to reheat. Carve the Oryx and serve with the sauce spooned over the meat.

I got this recipe from the King of Bahrain; the Arabian Oryx is one of the rarest animals in the world - they used to be native to Bahrain but now we have to sneak these in from the Fauna and Flora Preservation Society in the USA. It is really rich if you can get the young male variety of the Oryx - oh so tender! Everytime I smell it, I just squeal with delight! Feeds approximately 50 adult men and 100 young boys.

Dixie Chicks Cured and Smoked Burrowing Owl

I bumped into Natalie Maines on a flight to Ethiopia and she shared this recipe with me.

Now the Burrowing Owl is hard to come by but she gave me a contact who could get them for me, her Cousin Delbert. The owl is kind of small so for a family of 4 you need at least 2 of them.
Natalie said it takes 20 to feed her and the band.

Pluck, gut and clean owls. Dry them completely.

Curing
Use 1 table spoon of Morton's quick cure for each pound of bird.
Mix with 1/2 table spoon of brown sugar per each pound of bird.
Generously rub each bird making sure to get inside the cavity.
Place Owls in air tight freezer bag and store in fridge for 6 to 8 hours.

Smoker
Soak hickory wood chips in water
Fire up smoker bringing temperature to 180 to 195 degrees.
Fill water pan and pour in 1 bottle of your favorite beer.
Put a couple of hand fulls of Hickory on the coals just before putting on the birds.

Rinse Burrowing owls and pat dry.
Place bird on highest rack in smoker.
Close the door and do not open again until they are done.
Smoke for 6 to 10 hours. Internal temp should be 170 degrees.

I served this to Woody Harrelson who said it was better than Hemp Rope (what ever that means)

Jane Fonda's Kouprey Kabobs ala Kerry

1 medium Kouprey (about 1500lb.)

100 lb. baby onions

5 bushels Bell Peppers

55 gallon drum of Olive Oil

Salt & Pepper to Taste

400 Skewers

Prepare large bonfire to burn down to coals. Field dress the Kouprey, also known as Forest Ox, and cube the meat. Place on skewers, alternating with the peppers and onions. Sprinkle finished kabobs with salt & pepper, coat with olive oil. Hold over coals and cook to taste, then enjoy the fruits of your labor!

Feeds 200 soldiers, or 1,000 POW's. Also don't forget to serve with Kimchee on the side - and not just any Kimchee, the South Vietnamese Kimchee isn't quite as good as the Northern variety. You can tell the difference by its color; the Southern is more of a blood red color, while the Northern is more of a Pinko color. I fix this whenever John Kerry comes around, which coincidently is when Ted's traveling...

Rosie's Fillet of Fin Whale

1 Medium Fin Whale
1 Salt Lick
1 5 gallon bucket of Black Pepper
1 55 gallon drum of Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Cut the blubber off of the whale; there will be a lot of that. Cut the meat into approx. 22 oz fillets (I can eat three or four of those suckers. Rub with the salt lick, sprinkle with the pepper and olive oil, then grill for about four minutes per side. I read somewhere that the Fin Whale eats over a ton of krill and herring a day, and that's just shameful - so for every whale I kill, I'm actually saving millions of sea life! I feel so good about myself!

If Roseanne comes over to shave my back hair we can usually finish half a whale between the two of us.

Danny Glover's Gavial Crocodile & Pinto Bean Soup

3 lbs. Gavial Crocodile meat
2 lbs. dried pinto beans
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon hot sauce
1/2 medium chopped onion

Boil Crocodile meat on high heat for 45 minutes. Add all seasonings except hot sauce and onion. Continue boiling for 20 minutes. Add pinto beans, hot sauce, and onion. Boil on medium heat until beans are done to taste.
Note: To speed up cooking of beans and reduce the gas beans produce, soak beans in cold water overnight or for three hours during the day. Serve with rice.

"These Gavial Crocodiles are getting harder and harder to find. One of the rarest in Asia but scrumptous! I got my last one from a keeper at the LA Zoo one night for $50. Mel (Gibson) won't eat the stuff though - stinks too much while it's cooking. The hide makes for some fine wallets; I give 'em as gifts. Next time Louis Farrekhan buys you a cup of joe, look at his wallet!"

Alec Baldwin's Chimpanzee Chianti Casserole

2 lb. Chimpanzee meat, cubed
1/2 (1 ounce) package herb and lemon soup mix
1 cube beef bouillon
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 (4.5 ounce) can mushrooms, drained
1 cup Italian Chianti wine
4 cups cooked egg noodles


Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
In a large bowl combine the Chimpanzee meat, dry soup mix, bouillon, onion, soup and half the wine. Mix all together and pour mixture into a lightly greased 9x13 inch baking dish. Cover and bake in the preheated oven for 4 hours. Add mushrooms and the rest of the wine and bake for another 10 minutes. Add cooked egg noodles and mix all together. Serve with fresh bread and a green salad, if desired.

"The wine sure helps with that gamey taste - I just don't know what the little buggers eat to make them taste that way - thoughtless little pigs - they don't have the brains or the decency of human beings, ya know. I had Angelina smuggle my chimp out of Africa on one of her many trips out there - customs thought it was just another one of her crazy adoptions. I also had the skull made into a man-purse - VERY MANLY - Harry Belafonte just begged me to have one made for him too. I saved the ass to be tanned and made into a motorscooter helmet for Sean Penn last August for his birthday."

Barbra Streisand's Giant Anteater Quiche

1 Giant Anteater skinned, deboned and diced (only 6 cups needed, throw out the rest)
1 1/2 cup melted butter
9 cups milk
6 teaspoon salt
dash pepper
18 eggs
3 cups Bisquick baking mix
6 cup Swiss cheese, shredded
3 cups bacon (about 36 to 37 slices pre-cooked), cut or broken into small pieces.

Mix first 5 ingredients together and beat well (wire whisk works well). Stir in Bisquick. Pour into six different 9-inch (deep) cake pans. Put meat and cheese on top of mixture (do not mix). Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. This is sooo rich!

"I know what you're thinking; "Barbra, how can you eat something that has your signature likeness?" Well, ever since my trip to South America to see that fabulous dictator Chavez - who couldn't keep his hands off me - I couldn't keep my hands off his quiche, if ya know what I mean. I always make half a dozen of these, 'cause when I have a get together at my mansion for one of my many 'causes', they go fast. Michael Moore ate four of these by himself - fat pig."

Tom's Blind Albino Cave Fish Tacos

You need about 30 blind albino cave fish. They are hard to find so I had to sneak into 20 different caves to get enough.

Just rinse the fish, no skinning or gutting necessary as living their lives without light their bones are super soft and the guts are like a gourmet Foie-gras.

Lightly sauté fish in shiraz and glacier water with a splash of lime juice and a sprinkling of fajita seasoning, no more than 8 minutes.

Serve on fresh made corn tortillas with lettuce and tomatoes. Corona goes great with these tacos.

Doesn't get much better than this.

Whoopi Goldberg's Whooping Crane on the Loggerhead Turtle Half Shell

23 Whooping Crane, deboned and diced
15 Boxes Italian Bread Crumbs
57 Stalks of Celery, chopped
10 lb bag of White Onions, diced
3 dozen Large Eggs, free range preferred
Approximately 1 pound of dried Sage leaves, crumbled
3 gallons of Black-footed Ferret broth, see recipe below
Pepper to taste
1 Loggerhead Turtle Shell (about a 500 pounder ought to do)

I prepare Loggerhead Turtle shell by cutting it in half, discarding the bottom half as well as the meat - I just can't stand fishy tasting meat, but the shell is an awesome serving dish for my big Hollywood get-togethers at my home. Prepare the broth as shown below. Combine all ingredients, mixing well. Pack into turtle shell and bake in one big-ass oven for approximately 2 1/2 hours at 375 degrees, or until a whooping crane's leg inserted in the middle comes out clean.

"This is sooo moist and succulent; it makes me want to go out and kill something just thinking about it. Oh, and I just love your new website, but don't tell my friends - I don't think they even know how to surf the Internet yet anyway. The Gore family shared this recipe with me years ago when Al drove me up to Nantucket in his SUV for a private little fishing trip, if you know what I mean."

Black-footed Ferret Broth: Dice 1 clean, cut up ferret and simmer in chicken broth for 1 hour, until meat is falling off the bones. Strain off 3 gallons of broth to use in above recipe. The Black-footed Ferret is technically a weasel, but I do so hate the comparative reference to our Democratic Congressmen...

"Everyone raved about this dish except Dennis Miller - he's not welcome at my house anymore."

Sean Penn's Stuffed Giant Panda Recipe

1 Giant Panda (I had to sneak over to China during my North Korea visit to get this one)
2 quarts Olive Oil
12 oz Smoked Hungarian Paprika
4 Takahe (A small flightless bird from New Zealand)
3 Shortnose Sturgeon (I would use more, but they are so hard to find)
10 lb. Sack of Brown Rice
10 lb. Red Bliss Potatoes
3 Bunches of Fresh Parsley
Liberal Amount of Salt
Pepper to Taste


"Carefully Skin Panda and save the hide for tanning and making into a faux furr coat. This is awesome - it keeps me warm on the chilliest days in the California Hills when I go outside my trailer looking for things to throw in my wood stove. I tan the hide and dye it all black with a fairly cheap dye; this makes it appear to be a synthetic fur coat. I've even joined a PETA rally wearing it, and nobody was suspicious in the least. I smuggled the Takahe birds on my last trip to New Zealand trying to pinch Nichole Kidman while her man was doing rehab. I usually hate anything with a short nose (except Nichole Kidman) but these fish are oh so good."

Place Panda in very large smoker. Fill cavity with fileted Sturgeon, de-boned Takahe, rice, potatoes, parsley and salt. Mix well. Sew up cavity autopsy-style to keep moisture in. Coat outside of Panda with a mixture of the olive oil and smoked paprika. Bring smoker up to 250 degrees and smoke stuffed Panda for apporx 12 hours, recoating outside every 2-3 hours with olive oil/paprika mixture to seal in moisture.

"I served this at the last Academy Awards dinner - everyone loved it except for Mel Gibson - righteous bastard."

Tom's Bald Eagle Breast and Panda Bear Loin Kebabs

2 Bald Eagle breast cut into cubes
1 Panda Bear loin sliced half inch thick
1 large red sweet pepper2 small onions cut into wedges
2 apples cored and cut into wedges
4 skewers soaked in beer

The Marinade:
3 T Worchester sauce
1 t Light soy sauce
1 dash cayenne pepper powder
1 clove garlic crushed and chopped
1 t red pepper flakes
1 t liquid smoke
1 t lime juice
1/2 t fresh ground pepper
1 12 ounce bottle Corona beer

Clean and cut up eagle and panda meat.Cut red bell pepper in 1 1/2 inch squares.On beer soaked skewers rotate eagle, veggies, and panda until you fill skewers.Mix all marinade ingredients in 1 gallon Ziploc bag. Place prepared skewers in bag, be careful not to puncture bag. Let rest 2 to 24 hours. Prepare crude oil grill and have plenty of glacial water to kill flare ups. Once grill is hot place skewers evenly on hot grill. Cook for 20 minutes rotating often.

Note: If you can get your hands on some Exxon-Valdez oil for the grill, why not go for top notch? Feeds an average family of 4, or Michael Moore.

I tried this at the company picnic and everyone loved it with the exception of Tree Hugger Al.

Aaron's Crock-pot Condor

1 Large California Condor, plucked and dressed
2 sticks real butter
2 bulbs fresh garlic, crushed or sliced.
Black Pepper to taste
Salt to taste
2 gallons glacial water

Take 1 stick of butter and 1 bulb of garlic and mix to soften butter, then smear all over the inside of the condor.
Salt and Pepper inside of Condor to taste
Place the cleaned Condor in a really freakin big crock-pot.
Smear rest of butter and garlic all over the outside of the condor and salt and pepper outside of bird.
add all of the glacial water, it should cover about 1/4 of the bird.
Turn your really freakin big Crock-pot on high and cook for 18 hours. Meat should literally be falling off the bone. YUM!!

Use Condor drippings to make dressing.

Serves 20-25 (or as many Liberals that will be left in the Senate after '08)

Tasty recipe ideas for you home cooks

Our friends at the Canadian Museum of Nature have been only too kind as too publish a list of tasty morsels for your recipe ideas - but you'd better hurry, some of them are already extinct. Clicking the links brings up their website, which is very informative - 4 stars out of 5 - I'd have given them a 5 if they offered cooking tips...

African Elephant
African Wild Ass
African Wild Dog
American Alligator
American White Pelican
Asian Elephant
Asian Lion
Atlantic Salmon
Black Lemur
Black-footed Ferret
Blue Whale
Bowhead Whale
Carolina Parakeet
Cheetah
Chimpanzee
Coelacanth
Common Green Turtle
Crested Ibis
Dodo
Eastern Cougar
Eskimo Curlew
Fin Whale
Flightless Cormorant
Gaur
Gavial
Giant Anteater
Giant Armadillo
Giant Panda
Gorilla
Great Auk
Grey Whale
Grizzly
Humpback Whale
Imperial Amazon
Indian Rhinoceros
Jaguar
Kagu
Kakapo
Kemp's Ridley
Komodo Dragon
Leatherback Turtle
Leopard
Loggerhead Turtle
Mediterranean Monk Seal
Moas
Mountain Gorilla
Orangutan
Passenger Pigeon
Philippine Eagle
Piping Plover
Pronghorn
Przewalski's Horse
Pygmy Hippopotamus
Sea Otter
Sei Whale
Shortnose Sturgeon
Snow Leopard
Takahe
Tapirs
Tiger
Trumpeter Swan
Vancouver Island Marmot
West Indian Manatee
White Rhinoceros
Whooping Crane
Yak

Coming soon, other endangered recipes

Thanks to ol' Al fessing up, we don't need to limit our diet to just polar bears. So we'll be opening the forum to other recipes... A sample of recipes to come:

Condor Crockpot
Galapagos Turtle Soup
Dodo Doughballs
Sea Lion Stir Fry
Walrus Wellington
Pelican Pemmican
Stuffed Giant Panda
Black Lemur Pie

Feel free to submit recipes for the above listed, or any or of your family's favorite endangered recipes.

Al Gore admits Nobel Prize has no value after his win now

Al Gore admitted in a drunken stupor that he made the whole thing up, thinking it would help him get the presidency in '08. He decided to come clean after receiving a call from Hillary asking if he wanted to be her bitch for '08.

"I was so torqued over that comment I climbed in my SUV and drove around for 20 or 30 gallons of gas - I don't remember how much I burned to be sure - I've never had to keep track of that before. All I know is it was about 4 or 5 times around my mansion that I drove. I did cool off after a bit when I noticed all the people getting dizzy off of my exhaust fumes though. I thought about throwing some breathing masks out my window - I keep them with me all the time - but that would be littering, wouldn't it? I'm very mindful of our great nation's laws."

John Stossel Exposes Global Warming Myths

Great News!!! According to John Stossel and many prominent scientists global warming IS NOT man-made! That means there are plenty of polar bears to go around for all of us (unless the Japanese run out of whales to harpoon - hmm, what can we wipe out next?). So there's not such a rush - Al Gore sure had us carnivores in a tizzy - it's like being told Burger King's discontinuing the Whopper.

http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/global_warming/2007/10/17/41855.html?s=al&promo_code=3BA7-1

To Quote:
Gore's film is filled with “misleading messages,” says Stossel.
“It suggests polar bears are disappearing and that ‘sea levels worldwide would go up 20 feet.’ I interview children who are scared. They believe the polar bears are already going extinct and that the oceans will soon rise even higher than 20 feet, drowning them and their parents.
“But polar bear populations appear to be steady or increasing, and a 20-foot rise is a theoretical possibility that wouldn't happen for millennia. The IPCC, the group that shared last week’s Nobel Prize with the Vice President, says in 100 years the oceans might rise 7 to 24 inches, not 20 feet. Now a British judge has ruled that British schools must disclose to students nine inaccuracies in ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ if they play the movie in class.”
Stossel said it’s “nonsense” for Gore to suggest that we can stop global warming by doing things like changing light bulbs and driving less.

Jonica's Global Warming Margarita

1 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 whole lime
1/2 whole lemon
1 oz. orange juice
shot of grenadine

Shake well over ice, serve in margarita glass with salted rim.
Out of grenadine? 1/2 oz. polar bear blood works nicely.

Glacial Martini

2 1/2 oz gin
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1 green olive or lemon twist for garnish
handful of 1/64,000 actual size glaciers

Pour the ingredients into a mixing glass with 1/64,000 actual size glaciers, stir well. Strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with the olive or lemon twist, casually discard glaciers.

Note: If serving with the Polar Bear Roast, increase all quantities of ingredients by a factor of 150.

John's Polar Bear Roast

1 medium Polar Bear
1 hundred pound sack of yellow onions
1 foreign pickup bed of carrots
1 foreign pickup bed of potatoes
5 gallons seawater (this will help rising sea levels)
pepper (season to taste)
1 keg of your favorite brew to baste both bear and you

1 500 gallon propane tank cut in half
1 American pickup bed of charcoal

Wash and dress (or undress) Polar Bear. Place bear on foil, tuck arms behind head and cross legs (doesn't really affect cooking, but it sure looks funny after a couple of beers). Stuff cavity with onions, carrots, potatoes and seawater (for saltiness). Cook over low to medium heat for approx 6 hours, basting regularly with the beer. Season with pepper and serve LIBERAL (get it?) portions to all your friends...