Sean Penn's Stuffed Giant Panda Recipe

1 Giant Panda (I had to sneak over to China during my North Korea visit to get this one)
2 quarts Olive Oil
12 oz Smoked Hungarian Paprika
4 Takahe (A small flightless bird from New Zealand)
3 Shortnose Sturgeon (I would use more, but they are so hard to find)
10 lb. Sack of Brown Rice
10 lb. Red Bliss Potatoes
3 Bunches of Fresh Parsley
Liberal Amount of Salt
Pepper to Taste


"Carefully Skin Panda and save the hide for tanning and making into a faux furr coat. This is awesome - it keeps me warm on the chilliest days in the California Hills when I go outside my trailer looking for things to throw in my wood stove. I tan the hide and dye it all black with a fairly cheap dye; this makes it appear to be a synthetic fur coat. I've even joined a PETA rally wearing it, and nobody was suspicious in the least. I smuggled the Takahe birds on my last trip to New Zealand trying to pinch Nichole Kidman while her man was doing rehab. I usually hate anything with a short nose (except Nichole Kidman) but these fish are oh so good."

Place Panda in very large smoker. Fill cavity with fileted Sturgeon, de-boned Takahe, rice, potatoes, parsley and salt. Mix well. Sew up cavity autopsy-style to keep moisture in. Coat outside of Panda with a mixture of the olive oil and smoked paprika. Bring smoker up to 250 degrees and smoke stuffed Panda for apporx 12 hours, recoating outside every 2-3 hours with olive oil/paprika mixture to seal in moisture.

"I served this at the last Academy Awards dinner - everyone loved it except for Mel Gibson - righteous bastard."